Well, the near year has begun. Yes, I realize how belated I am on this realization, and I don’t even have a busy schedule to blame for just now contemplating what I want to be different in 2015 than 2014.
Just tonight, I realized that I’m sick of this. I’m horrifically disgusted at myself.
I feel weighed down.
I want to vomit up 90% of the Me of the last 4 months here at college.
I desire for the very essence of Annika to be extracted once again, to have the beautiful terrain of my soul, every valley and every mountain, illuminated by the light of the Son.
I’M SICK OF MY SOUL SIZZLING SLOWLY IN THE SULFURIC ACID OF BEING DISINGENUOUS.
Yes, I realize that I have been told 890901903850981 times that I am one of the most genuine people that people have ever met.
But how come I still put on a facade about my faith– not so much to other people, but to MYSELF?
Do I really have the right to identify myself as a “strong Christian” whose “faith means more than anything to [her]” who believes herself to possess the spiritual gift of martyrdom?
My stomach is literally churning as I write this sentence (yes, literally literally– I know that every good writer out there knows exactly why I inserted this clarification). Do I really think that the life that I am living reflects my claims to be a sold out follower of CHRIST, the CREATOR of the whole entire universe who has “CHOSEN ME BEFORE THE FOUNDATION OF THE WORLD TO BE HOLY AND BLAMELESS IN HIS SIGHT” (Eph 1:4)?!
Today, I confessed all of this disgust to the LORD. And HE gave me a solution.
Actually, let me clarify for a moment. If I am committed to being genuine with myself about my faith, then I must admit that I came up with this solution without consulting HIM. I am actually so far from the LORD that I feel as though I cannot hear HIM (something that I have never really struggled with).
Therefore, I am praying that this plan works, although it may not be straight from the LORD.
Every day this week, I will write in my prayer journal and BE HONEST with myself about what I am going through spiritually. In the meantime, I will not read my Bible once as I wait. Hopefully, this will show me how empty my life is. I am praying that it will force me to assess my spiritual life genuinely while I starve my soul spiritually.
May starving myself give me an uncontrollable desire for HIM again this new year.