Today is, of course, Father’s Day, and unlike most Father’s Days of my life, I am weirdly introspective. Well, I suppose “weirdly” is not an accurate way to put it, as I did not feel this way until I listened to my pastor’s sermon at church. He took this day as an opportunity to speak to the men of the crowd and A) call them out on their complacency and submission to normal culture and B) implore them to submit more to the LORD rather than just to “try harder” as being more “perfect” men.
So, obviously as a female, this may seem to apply very little to me, but I realized through the sharp ache in my heart during most of the sermon that this message actually applies to me on so many levels.
I realized that almost no man in my life possesses these attributes. Now, before I go on, I want to say that I’m not trying to rip on every guy I know. Some guys I know might be the epitome of this God-fearing man and I just don’t know it because I’m not close with them. And those guys who I am close with and I don’t see this attributes in, that doesn’t mean I’m calling you a horrible person or trying to push you down. Right now, I just need to process how I feel realizing that I see such a lack of these integrity-filled men in my life.
I am only 21, but I already feel absolutely worn-out by how little I see men lead nowadays. Maybe it’s partially due to the push for feminism or maybe men are just getting lazy, but as a Christian woman, I want to be led and guys aren’t doing this. As much as I have recognized that I have a “saving complex” and that causes me to be drawn to people with rough pasts who are just clawing their ways out of them, I’m absolutely exhausted of being the person trying to make a guy, whether a friend or more than that, into a person who pursues the LORD willingly and unabashedly.
I know, it’s a bit of a contradiction that I have this innate desire to fix people, yet I want to find men who are already there. Men who will admit they don’t have it figured out and are so freaking fallen, yet who pursue the LORD with a ubiquitous zeal that makes some people uncomfortable and others also want to submit to the LORD. I’m sick of being the leader– yes, assertive, Type A Annika just said that. I’m sick of stepping back and trying to motivate and entreat men to look to step up and pursue Him. I want to be surrounded by men who are already there, who push me to be a woman who submits to Him every single day.
I believe Christian women, at their very core, desire to be led. However, we– especially the Type A ones– are not going to allow men to lead unless we see them as fit to lead.
And I’m exhausted. I want to play the role the LORD designed me to play.
So, I guess on this Father’s Day, I just want to find more men that allow me to do exactly what God designed me to do.